if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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