I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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