and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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