This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
