omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just cropdusted the office
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
