I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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