is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
