the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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