I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
