really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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