I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
