fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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