there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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