you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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