How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can't motorboat a personality
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
