She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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