I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize