Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
