he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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