Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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