I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize