Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
