apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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