Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
