I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Damn victory sex feels great
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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