I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
