I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
