literally had 100 drinks last night.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
