I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
