hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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