How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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