my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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