Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
