dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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