Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize