Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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