sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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