i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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