I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
