i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
