So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize