So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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