i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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