I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
