girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
