He felt like a one man threesome
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
