you guys were way drunker than both of me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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