I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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