I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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