I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
