I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
