I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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