I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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