Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
