I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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