turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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