I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
