I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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