my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
