Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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